Distance in nearness

I'm tired. Good thing tomorrow is Friday..why would you ask for something that you don't really want? I would say to escape pain..but how would i know which is more painful? Anu bang pinagsasasabi ko. Di ko na alam kung san ako lulugar. Pag mabait xa, masakit. Pag cold xa masakit din. Kapag civil xa masakit din. Kapag normal xa masakit pa rin. Maybe I'm just contemplating on it too much? Minsan parang ayaw ko na nga xa makita pero hindi rin gusto ko pa rin xa makita. Parang naguguilty ako pag napapatingin ako sa kanya pero iniiwasan ko xa tingnan na parang hindi naman normal...maybe i really am dwelling on it too much pero pag nandyan xa di ko naman madeceive ang sarili ko na hindi ako apektado. It's both pleasant and disturbing,hindi ko ma-explain.. Hindi ko maisip kung anu ba talaga ang gusto ko. I just know that my behavior is becoming more and more unnatural. I'm becoming consciously loud at times. I think I should be quiet tomorrow. Why do people feel the way they do?