It's cruel

'What if he courts you', he said to her, 'would you want to be his mistress?' And i was sitting there,feeling the awkward rush on my face,scared that he would see and notice what's running on my mind.

Not exactly

Not word-for-word but i think he said something like: my body is yours. Do what you want to do with me. Put me inside a triple wall corrugated box. *i just admire his way with words and his wit. Too bad.*

What did you say?

He said his heart belongs to me but i know it never was. Sometimes jokes and flirtings can be irritating especially when a part of you is wishing it's true lol

Wednesday

As of i now, i a not able to stop liking you but i can have myself stay sane and proper. Whatever.

Dizzy

I guess i'll never be able to control my thoughts and actions when i see you or look at you. I also won't know how you interpret what you see and i won't how you feel about it..if you're getting pissed,annoyed,irritated,angry,indifferent or what and sometimes even if i don't want to think about any of this unfortunately i just do. That sometimes i feel relieved when i manage to get you out of my mind for some time. I know i'm thinking too much, after this i don't want to think about it anymore. When will everything become normal and when can i start treating you like anyone else? Am i being unfair to you? I don't even know because i also don't know how i will be treating you if i don't feel this way about you. Is there something i'm not doing? Do i have to do something? Is there another way to do this? Should i be amiable instead of distant? Should i even bother? Will i ever be able to get back to this post and tell myself 'wow,i was able to move on!'? Is it wrong to want to see you? Should i restrain myself? Is it wrong to like the way you talk or act? Should i stop myself? Is it wrong to feel happy when you talk to me? Is it wrong to wish that you are around? Is it wrong to indulge myself on listening to you because i find it pleasant? Is it wrong to accidentally look at where you are? Is it wrong to not feel comfortable and feel awkward when you're nearby? Is it wrong to not be able to strike a normal conversation with you as i do with everyone else?

The Remedy

I think the only other way that I can eventually forget him is if he push me hard enough.

Going in circles

Just woke up and thought about him again

Distance in nearness

I'm tired. Good thing tomorrow is Friday..why would you ask for something that you don't really want? I would say to escape pain..but how would i know which is more painful? Anu bang pinagsasasabi ko. Di ko na alam kung san ako lulugar. Pag mabait xa, masakit. Pag cold xa masakit din. Kapag civil xa masakit din. Kapag normal xa masakit pa rin. Maybe I'm just contemplating on it too much? Minsan parang ayaw ko na nga xa makita pero hindi rin gusto ko pa rin xa makita. Parang naguguilty ako pag napapatingin ako sa kanya pero iniiwasan ko xa tingnan na parang hindi naman normal...maybe i really am dwelling on it too much pero pag nandyan xa di ko naman madeceive ang sarili ko na hindi ako apektado. It's both pleasant and disturbing,hindi ko ma-explain.. Hindi ko maisip kung anu ba talaga ang gusto ko. I just know that my behavior is becoming more and more unnatural. I'm becoming consciously loud at times. I think I should be quiet tomorrow. Why do people feel the way they do?

Fickle

Sometimes I think i'm too selfish because I want people to behave in a way that would suit me or I perceive would make me feel better. If he does something that feels good like if he notices me or does something that I find sweet I sometimes wish he did not do it because it makes me like him more but when people starts acting the way I want them to sometimes I get hurt then I tell myself 'this is what you want,right?' Ang gulo. Basta. I want him around but when he's near it feels awkward. And I have this peculiar fetish of enjoying hearing his voice from afar...

Perceived sadness

I was having lunch a while back when they came. He said 'let's join her.' Pat said 'let's move to a wider table.' *since there will be five of us.* Needless to say I fell for him one inch more. Why does he have to be so nice and sweet..here I go again lol..We started eating, I can't understand why but he seems to have a biological effect on me. Whenever he's around and I'm eating I would suddenly feel like vomiting. It's bewildering how his presence could trigger my hyperacidity. The airport staffs flocked infront of the TV. Apparently,there was big news that I wasn't aware about. So I listened so I could figure out what it's about then I heard the news anchor say secretary Reyes so I asked them,Reyes who?Is that the Angelo Reyes? They said yes and I was shocked. I would not imagine him being on the news like this, dead and has supposedly commited suicide. Then Gem jokingly said that it's weird how they said he shot himself in the heart. (well, because normally if someone would commit suicide they point the gun to their brain). That got me laughing. Then I don't know if it was George or Gem who introduced the conversation about what if we died. How would it feel? Would we really feel nothing anymore? I can't remember how he commented anymore, it's like he said 'it's difficult to imagine or think about' then i accidentally looked at his face then I thought to myself one reason why I might have gotten attracted to him was because although he's outgoing, energetic, gregarious and full of talk there's still that look of sadness in his face..it could be just my imagination. My perceptions are quite crazy so I don't rely on them that much.

Unsynchronized

I have changed my location to Philippines yesterday pero bakit 10:00 pm ung post ko kanina eh magfofour pm pa lang?

Silver lining

Most feelings die without reinforcement and I'm starting to feel there is hope... Just let it, tolerate it, feel it, enjoy it. Everything will eventually fall into places.

The saga continues

He's two seats in front of me and I'm as silent as a rock.

Something's not right

Impulsively going somewhere else if he's around, not being your usual loud self, looking outside the window pretending you just want to sight-see, asking somebody else when you can also ask him, can't move. It happens everyday it could be really irritating but can't control or curb the way my body responds or how my thoughts and mind works that a lot of times I think about slapping myself real hard so i could start acting normally again,which i doubt would work though.. I was looking at his photo at our bulletin a while back and told myself he's not really exceptionally handsome,maybe just a little above average? *seem to be trying to convince myself* well,he's really not..anway,going back..it's really funny that this morning, we we're waiting for others to come then he came and sat down then seemingly asked himself 'it's still early right'. It's actually directed to anyone who would care to answer. If I am my normal self i would readily look at my phone's time and answer the question however,sadly, i am my ridiculously,conscious self so I just kept quiet and just waited for someone else answer but apparently nobody seemed to have heard him so he stepped down and bought himself something. Moments later he came back, my officemates we're teasing Pat who just finished talking with her crush,while he's forced to be quiet because i think he could not relate to what they are talking about and i am quiet because he is around. We finally got to work, i let all of them get down,got a short glimpse of him enough to see that he's wearing a striped,blue polo shirt. I timed-in along with the others then ludicrously,walked hurriedly past them. By lunchtime i went to the canteen like i used to. After I finished I just heard George ask if I'm done. I said yes. I knew he is also with him. Then my hopelessly,weird self went near George obstructing him from my peripheral vision and hiding myself then asked George if he knew if Rizza is asking to be bought of something. He said he's not aware so I left with a faintly-spoken 'i'll go ahead' *like i'm speaking to myself*..it's so crazy and it's so pathetic.

Stressed

Doing the proper thing can be stressful. Been on a cycle of always falling for those who are attached. I have this crush on someone who's married. I think he heard I like him because he had been flirting with me lately. Nothing serious. Sometimes I'm tempted to flirt back but I would rather not because I know that if I would I may like him more. I find him very attractive, he doesn't run out of stories and I like the sound of his voice. It makes me happy just hearing him. I think maybe it's human nature to want something more if you can't get it. As much as i don't want to think of him i eventually just do and it could be really draining. This is already the third or fourth time this happens. I would eventually get myself to resign from work to help me move on but i just can't keep on doing that..finding a new job can also be quite exhausting. I think one factor is whenever i get to like someone i start distancing myself ..because i don't get to know them more and because of lesser interaction they become more desirable to me..that's how i see it..Hopefully I can get over him soon...