jealous.may 17 2013

I heard him call someone babes. And it was so painful. Its like a heavy thing was placed on my chest. I try to shake it off but it won’t come off.  I feel like crying but the tears won’t come out. I should be getting used to this but it’s taking too long. I hate my tenacity sometimes.

there are some things you can't force

he said there's just some things you can't force

warm hands

if a person's hand is warm, would the other hand be warm as well? because if does then he has warm hands.

anxious

i'm not your friend so i don't have the right to care for you

i heard he's sick

he's absent. i heard he's sick. i miss him.

while waiting for it to load i tell myself "get ready to get hurt."

bakit??

he's unusually hyper a while back, unusually flirty, ewan. hay i just like him too much.

Movies

Rio.awake.no strings attached.riot.indecent proposal.

Movies

Awake.no strings attached.riot.rio.indecent proposal.

turned down again my ass

'i've been turned down again'. Hindi mu lang alam pero iniisip ku un sinabi mu hanggang pag-uwi ko. Di ku tuluy alam if i did the right thing. I would have wanted to hug you but i guess i want to deprive myself of what i want because i don't want to love you more than i already do and i just don't feel it's right. for you it's just a simple hug but for me it's more than that so i feel guilty. Anu bang iniisip mo? Pabor kaya sa kin un. Kung alam mu lang kung ganu kita kagusto. Nakakatawa pero it's what everyone says 'i like you too much it hurts'. Gustu kung umiyak ng umiyak para lang mabawasan ang bigat ng nararandaman ko pero ayaw lumabas eh. Ang sakit sakit. Taz gustu ku rin sanang pumunta sa championship nyo kasu wala akong kasama. Sa monday di ko talaga alam kung anung gagawin ko. Imbes na kakalimutan na sana kita tapus you'll act as if i'm special to you kaya gustung gustu na naman kita. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Ayaw kong masaktan ka pero un ba ang ginagawa ko?

Back to School Theme

I acted very stupidly today. Think i would be needing more of these so i can finally forget him. It's so embarassing i don't want to even think about it anymore.

Pay day

I was reading a post in fb a while back about someone who's with his mom, his bro and gf and i realized i've gotten over him, there's really nothing you can't forget i guess, if you have every reason to. For the present one, have missed him for a day,he was on leave. I was fighting the urge to catch attention, so just sat in front of my computer and kept it low. I'm not in the mood to be rowdy either anyway. I guess what i like about myself is i could easily recover if i know that you don't really care for me as i believe you to. I easily fall for people who i think treats me special but if i eventually realize it's really not what i think it is then letting go is a breeze. Guess i need to be on a lookout to that something that would wake me up from the current spell i'm under. Been hearing things but still need a greater push that will get me back to my senses.someday..

Nostalgia

He was the first one to tell me i love you. Can't forget that day. How can someone say something they don't mean? My heart hurts. Can't get over it. He said, 'i love you, Chynna'. All i afforded to say is 'take care' and i can't even remember if i ever said it at all. Although it's not true i felt happy and the scene just keeps on coming back. Makes me feel warm and fuzzy as one song puts it but also tortures me at the same time. Love hurts lol.

2nd day to what seems like forever

The let's-get-back-to-normal i-think-this-is-the-normal-thing-to-do period. My pretentiousness is disgusting but i can't help it. I keep telling myself that i don't want to force myself and i'm not but regardless, it's painful... in an intangible way. Seeing him coming and putting on a blank face (i don't think it's normal for me to smile or even catch his attention.,) but unconsciously i know i'm trying to catch attention..the made-up laughter,the effort to speak and create a conversation with my seatmates. It's nauseously tiring and stressful. I'm losing my resolve..the i-don't-want-to-force-myself mentality is restraining me to have myself let go but the apathy and passiveness is not helping me either and i don't know of any other way of coping. I feel stupid and i don't like this feeling. i would tell myself again that i'll be quiet tomorrow but would end up doing otherwise.

Dwelling on it

I tell myself to not dwell on it but i just eventually do,

Gloomy

Headache..stressed..squat daw..bat kasi ko umupo sa sahig,sira ulo talaga xa..pero ganunpaman,nung marinig ko ang tungkol dun nasaktan ako kahit hindi ko aminin..hindi masakit pero alam ko nasaktan ako,kinukundisyun ko lang ang sarili ko na wag damdamin..ang hirap magpretend na parang wala lang.nakakapagod at nakaka-wear out.

When he smiles i feel good

Supposed to give him a change of 27pesos but i was absentmindedly giving him 50pesos and some change..my mind has left me again..when others take notice it doesn't matter much but when he does it's big deal..in normal circumstances they don't make much of a difference, my perception weaves a different story. And i feel i'm getting used to it and i do not care anymore but suddenly it would come back and i feel strongly about it again..it's dizzying

Nu Flavor

I would not like the song personally but i heard him sing it so i like it now. And although the song doesn't pertain to me i feel happy. Je t'aime Mr Venus in Gemini

good morning in a hoarse voice

I feel hot.feel like having a fever but not. I can't understand how i want him to be around yet can't stand having him at a meter radius without any wall or obstruction.not in a negative way but in an uncomfortable awkward way. And i hate the feeling of wanting to run away again, i always want the easy way out. I don't know but i just like him too much. I like his energy, his persistence, his sense of humor. He's a breath of fresh air. i can keep quiet, just listen to him and feel settled. Sometimes when he jokes i feel like retaliating but the thought that somebody knows stops me. and sometimes i just feel like telling him i like him or that i always think of him thinking that might give me some comfort but then why would i tell him when he would not want to know anyway?

How could a soft pinch cause happiness?

Can you like something about me like i like something about you?