2nd day to what seems like forever

The let's-get-back-to-normal i-think-this-is-the-normal-thing-to-do period. My pretentiousness is disgusting but i can't help it. I keep telling myself that i don't want to force myself and i'm not but regardless, it's painful... in an intangible way. Seeing him coming and putting on a blank face (i don't think it's normal for me to smile or even catch his attention.,) but unconsciously i know i'm trying to catch attention..the made-up laughter,the effort to speak and create a conversation with my seatmates. It's nauseously tiring and stressful. I'm losing my resolve..the i-don't-want-to-force-myself mentality is restraining me to have myself let go but the apathy and passiveness is not helping me either and i don't know of any other way of coping. I feel stupid and i don't like this feeling. i would tell myself again that i'll be quiet tomorrow but would end up doing otherwise.